[clydepepper]

This is a scouting report from some years past. Not sure if it is authentic or not, but it is a great read. Enjoy!

Chicago White Sox
Free Agent Player Prospect
Personal Information

SCOUTING REPORT

HUNTER PENCE

PHYSICAL DESCRIPTION:
Gangly. Runs like a rotary telephone thrown into a running clothes dryer. Throws like an effete Frenchman throwing a bookcase uphill. Swings a bat like his elbows are stapled to his knees and his underwear is pulled over his head. Stares at you when you’re not looking.

STRENGTH:
He…he actually does everything well. Ball jumps off bat. Good speed both from home to first and around the bases. Strong, accurarte arm. Should hit for both average and power.

WEAKNESS:
Overly aggressive at the plate. Gets into too many bad counts and susceptible to breaking balls away. Puts whispers into your head, inviting you to become one with his people before the coming encroachment, breaking down your will and autonomy by replacing your thoughts with a one word mantra of ‘JOIN, JOIN, JOIN’ until you break down, sobbing, a shell of yourself looking to become wholly reborn within his protection. Takes the occasional bad break on fly balls.

SUMMATION:
Please consider this my 30-day notice. I doubt my ability to do this job properly anymore. I doubt my ability to scout baseball players effectively. I doubt my ability to sleep when I close my eyes. I doubt. I doubt. Oh God, how I doubt.

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