An Ode to Snow!

[thedutymon]

Morning,

Especially relevant to those of us who live in the Rocky Mountains above 7000-10000 ft. year round. Have loved this for 20 years, still cracks me up, for those who haven't seen it or in awhile!!!

DIARY OF A SNOW COUNTRY NEWBY !!!

December 8 - 6:00 PM
It started snowing. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktail drinks and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. We love snow!

December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had! Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a little boy again. I cleared both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!

December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow... Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry - we'll definitely have a White Christmas.
No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. However, Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 13
Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20F. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again.. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15
20 inches forecast for today. I sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. We stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's extravagant. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.

Today the electricity was off for 4 hours. We had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. Gee I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20
Yippee the electricity's back on, but we had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all day. The damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white stuff fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to go to the loo. By the time I got undressed, and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plough on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the a$$hole is lying.

December 23
Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to zero. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24
6 inches fell, but the snow was packed so hard by the snowplow, I broke my shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his hair and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.

December 25 - Christmas Day
Merry Fricking Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight - Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a real idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,750 to replace 4 of my pipes.

December 28
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The Bitch is driving me crazy!!!

December 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snowplow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his a$$. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.

December 31
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed???

[nolemmings]

In Minnesota we had a version very similar to this that I'll try and find. Speaking of Minnesota, the Star-Tribune reported that this morning, between 6:00 and 10:30 a.m., the Highway patrol responded to 305 collisions and150 spin outs in the Mpls/St. Paul metro area alone. 455 accidents just on the highways, not the surface streets handled by regular police. Uffda!

[egri]

I have a friend from Michigan who was driving through Tennessee during the polar vortex last year. At one point the Tennessee State Police had closed a road and were only letting drivers through who had chains on their tires. She didn't have chains, but the officer took one look at the Michigan plates and waved her through.

[DHogan]

I missed the great snow storm of 1978 in Massachusetts. I was in boot camp for the navy in Chicago. We had to march in formation to morning chow at 5:30am in -30 weather. If one person slipped and fell, 6-8 others would fall with them on the packed ice on the sidewalks. About 8' of snow this winter so far in Boston.

[Paul S]

January 1996. Just purchased a house here on Long Island on two wooded acres. 170 feet of driveway from garage to street. Big ole blizzard with drifts to waist level. The wife's pregnant and due at anytime. Didn't know yet who to call with a plow and even if I could... Shoveled the whole length just wide enough to get my Ford Explorer through. She delivered two weeks later! The kid is in his first year of college now. I'm since divorced. She has the house. Everything worked out just fine

[RobertC]

Originally Posted by Paul S

January 1996. Just purchased a house here on Long Island on two wooded acres. 170 feet of driveway from garage to street. Big ole blizzard with drifts to waist level. The wife's pregnant and due at anytime. Didn't know yet who to call with a plow and even if I could... Shoveled the whole length just wide enough to get my Ford Explorer through. She delivered two weeks later! The kid is in his first year of college now. I'm since divorced. She has the house. Everything worked out just fine

I can relate! I live in Virginia. In February, 1996, it snowed EVERY night for a week. I shoveled the driveway and sidewalk EVERY day. My son was born Feb 7, in the middle of another snowstorm. I remember driving to the hospital and not seeing another car. BTW, he's now if his first year at William & Mary College, his mother and I are divorced, and neither one of us got the house.