[JollyElm]

"Like you all, I yearn to breathe free...but I would yearn much better if I had a plateful of grilled Fourth of July Italian sausage slathered in Kraft Original barbecue sauce to chomp on, so let’s get this over with..."

I present to you 2022's Collectorisms Part XV - Section 2




951. Crash Flow
The valuable cards you know you could immediately sell off for a nice bit of coin were something to suddenly arise in your life to financially drain you.

See also: Goldenholdens - the cards you claim there’s no way in heck you will ever sell.

952. Letter-Numbo-Jumbo (refer to #423)
Although organized in a logical fashion, how the ACC card classifications (a capitalized initial followed by a seemingly random number) aren’t exactly self-explanatory or user friendly to anyone not already in the know.

See also: Setymology - the straightforward, non-cryptic manner in which card issues evolved into being simply designated by the year of release followed by the brand or producer of said cards.

953. Which Hunt
A thread featuring someone weighing the pros and cons of two of the same cards, and seeking opinions on what people think is the better move, buying the first one or the second one.

See also: Middle-Manhunt - seeing if someone can put you in touch privately with a particular eBay seller, because you’re interested in purchasing one of his listings off-site to avoid the fees.

954. Scanitized
An auction image which has been deliberately and deceptively altered digitally to ‘purify’ the card and make it appear to be in much better shape than it is, and a far cry from what you will actually receive in the mail.

955. Putting Your Best Face Forward
How Topps used the same gigantic headshots of players for their 1956 card set that they already used just the year before in the 1955 set.

956. Collectomaniacal
The hardcore, take no prisoners mindset of going after something you really, really want badly.

957. Rapporical Question
The sales tactic of a show dealer asking you something related to the team featured on the hat, shirt or jersey you’re wearing in an attempt to form a quick kinship and draw you in as a customer.

958. Vanishing Tact
The ability to respectfully leave a dealer’s table you’ve spent a decent amount of time at without feeling guilty about not buying anything from him.

See also: Nod Walker - the guy who takes a brief survey of a seller’s items as he quickly walks the length of the table, offers a polite, wordless acknowledgement, and then moves on to the next table.

959. Blank Checkmate
When an auction consisting of two big spenders continually topping each other by bidding more and more insanely high comes to a close with one of them finally victorious.

960. All that Glosses is Not Cardboard (aphorism)
A warning that not every supposedly ‘real’ and desirable baseball card that looks to be legitimate will turn out to be so.

See also: Mentafool (“Meant to fool”) - any supposed ‘collectible’ that was created for the express purpose of tricking people into believing it is an authentic piece of vintage memorabilia.

961. Hiddengemity (also Homer Pile)
Striking it big by finding a very unexpected and valuable card buried in the random jumble of commons in a lot of miscellaneous cards you bought.

See also: Forgive-Back - although you’ve done nothing wrong, the feeling of contrition over benefitting so greatly from a purchase that it makes you contact the seller and offer him additional money to absolve yourself of guilt.

962. Circuitous Net
Through seemingly taking a convoluted route going from Point A to Point B to Point C, the protection and safety afforded to buyers and sellers through the eBay authentication process.

963. Table Hussy (or Buy-Candy) (slang)
An attractive girl who is purposely placed out front and center at a seller’s table to draw in potential customers by giving the chubby, balding masses something nicer than baseball cards to clumsily gawk at.

See also: Infatubaited - getting reeled in by the invisible hook which compels you to invent a reason, ANY REASON, to go visit the hottie’s table.

See also: Impressure (or Sweatoric) - the tension of digging deep, striving to find something witty or humorous to say - that she hasn’t heard a million times before from other card collecting slobs - in an effort to win her over.

See also: Chatastrophic - when your attempt to impress her with your amusing ‘ad-libbed’ banter fails miserably, as you knew it would.

See also: Breast Buy - foolishly allowing yourself to be beguiled by her charms and swayed into dropping good money on an ill-advised, boneheaded purchase.

See also: “Hot help is hard to find” - a plaintive bemoaning of not having such a lady to play the role of cardboard temptress at your own show table.

964. “Uncle” Bidding
The final, throwing-in-the-towel bid you make in an auction, which says, “That’s it. I’m not going any higher.”

965. Shortcrops
Hand-cut cards, such as Post, Hostess, Bazooka, etc., which were left without the appropriate, designated borders fully present and intact.

966. Pile Pusher (or Accumulame Ass (derogative))
Someone trying to score a big money card off of you, NOT by offering an equally pricey and desirable card in return, but through ‘matching’ the high value of your single card with an accumulative group of low-value stuff.

967. Garlicvampiring (“Garlvamping”)
Offering cards, either purposely or non-purposely, to someone in a trade attempt that he in no way, shape or form has any interest in or use for.
“I only collect pre-war stuff. He garlvamped me with those ‘58 Topps.”

968. L’eggo My Neggo
The attempt to have a negative feedback rightfully removed from your eBay account.

969. Stockupational Hazard
The guesswork every seller faces as he tries to decide what mix of boxes, individual cards and other stuff from his expansive inventory is the ‘right’ assortment to bring (or NOT bring) along to most effectively fill his limited space and make the show he’s heading to a success.

See also: Carchives - the additional material brought to the show that remains within reach outside in the dealer’s vehicle.

970. Nostaljump
The true happiness that comes with deciding it’s time to go back and try to complete the first set that started you opening packs and collecting cards as a kid.

971. Oneandunning (also Funding Forward)
The act of only buying a card once. Instead of wasting money on a lower grade ‘placeholder’ card (which you’ll only grow to hate), putting those funds towards buying an example that will truly suit you.

972. No-Bliss Oblige (Fr. derivative)
An expression noting that the act of collecting extends beyond the mere amassment of memorabilia, and requires people to fulfill obligations to the community of collectors as a whole, such as giving props to people for their big scores, even when it gives you no satisfaction to do so.

973. The Unboughtens
Those cards that always appear relisted on eBay or as a constant presence in dealers’ display cases at shows, because their prices are beyond ridiculous.

See also: Flasking Price - a price on a card so high that it makes you wonder, “What’s this guy been drinking??!!”

See also: Bemuseum Pricing - a seller so clueless about how absurd his prices are that you can’t help but laugh.

See also: The Blind Leading the Deaf (derogative) - an assessment of dealers whose pricing is not only a refusal to see what cards actually sell for, but who also won’t listen no matter how much documented proof of recent sales prices is presented to them.

974. Phenomination
An enthusiastic reaction to what someone wrote stating, “This is the leading candidate for post (or thread) of the year!!”

See also: Falling on Deaf Cheers - not getting the pats on the back or shining reactions you were fully expecting to receive from one of your posts or a thread you started.

975. Lumber-Card
Any photo showing a player weighing his options of what club to use as he hovers over a sea of choices sticking out of the bat rack.

976. Token Hearted
The mindset of a ‘type’ collector whose goal is to obtain but a single, symbolic example of each relevant set on their list.

977. CIQ (“sick”)
A Collector’s IQ, - the measurement of a hobbyist’s overall depth of knowledge in the card collecting arts and sciences.
“Man, that guy really knows his stuff. He’s got a sick CIQ!!”

978. "The more collecting changes, the more it doesn’t stay the same." (proverb)
It started with men opening packs of cigarettes and handing cards to boys outside of tobacco shops, then grew into kids spending their allowance to chew rock-hard gum as they tore open new wax packs...and has now devolved into investors paying thousands of dollars to ‘own’ a tiny ‘fractional share’ of a card they will never actually touch.


And section 2 is at an end.



A free and timely piece of advice:
When your little niece throws that first heater of a pitch straight at your head during your annual Independence Day BBQ Wiffle Ball game, she's setting your ass up!!!! WITHOUT QUESTION her next pitch is going to be a wickedly slow monster of a curve ball, but everyone knows her control has been off lately! She’ll try to drop it low and outside, but as God is my witness, she’s going to end up hanging it. Wait on it and BOOM!! give that sucker a long, delicious ride over the roof!!! If you want to add an obnoxious bat flip to celebrate as the tears stream down her chubby little cheeks, that's up to you.

Happy 4th!!!!!!!!!