"Just when I thought I was out, the cardboard keeps pulling me back in."
I present to you
2022's Collectorisms Part XI - Section 2 of 3
“Heaven is full of threads for which nobody ever bothered to ask..."
686. Portly Party (also
Chub Club)
Looking at photos from a card show and giggling at the overabundance of balding, hat-wearing, middle-aged fatties walking around.
See also: Self-Factualization - when viewing these types of pics and you come to the sudden, horrific realization, “Wait...that’s EXACTLY what I look like these days!!"
687. Squeeze Pray
Trying to exert the perfect amount of finger pressure to the sides of a Card Saver to get it to stay open long enough to allow the comfortable insertion of a card without it snapping shut halfway through and damaging said card.
See also: Pliantagonist - a Card Saver that simply refuses to fall in line and properly remain open.
688. Thinker to Nevers to Perchance
The three stages of a collector’s purchasing decision:
1. “Wow...that’s a pretty nice card. I should consider grabbing it.”
2. “Whoa...no way!! That price is way too expensive.”
3. “Hmmm...you know what, I really want it. Maybe I can find a way to afford it.”
689. Six-Legged Paperweight
The guy planted in a chair in front of a table at a show, head tilted, staring down as he endlessly rifles through stacks of cards taken from the dealer’s large count storage boxes.
See also: SpongeBlob - when one of these self-important guys takes up a ton of space in front of a table and won’t cede ground to anyone else wanting to look at the dealer’s offerings.
690. Uppercrushment (also
Starfoul)
The undeniable existence of a two-tiered grading system, wherein if you submit a valuable Hall of Famer and a common that are both in the exact same shape, the HOF’er will undoubtedly come back with a lower number on its slab than the nobody.
See also: Dearth Grader - the villainous way TPGs seem to purposely and consistently give lower, harsher grades to certain specific cards, creating a false scarcity of high grade examples.
691. Eye Deafness
The inability of any collector to accurately assess what grades his own cards will receive when being sent off to a TPG.
692. “Bubble, Bubble, Foil and Trouble”
A Shakespearean lamentation warning of the burst to come if you pursue shiny, newly-released modern day chase cards too vigorously as their prices quickly and unrealistically surge due to an inordinate amount of early collector enthusiasm.
See also: “Et Tu, eBay?” - the sorrowful reaction when your attempt to unload a card you greatly overpaid for falls way short of the price you really needed to get for it.
693. Sixodus
The huge, fresh glut of newly graded cards flooding eBay, all having ‘cert numbers’ beginning with the number 6, that are a result of PSA finally working their way through the massive, years long pandemic backlog.
See also: Frontsixer - any of these newly graded cards.
694. The Win Beneath My Wings
The appreciation for a friend or collecting colleague who purposely forgoes bidding in an auction to avoid screwing you over in an unnecessary bidding war, thus giving you a better chance of carrying the day.
695. Writed G
Using asterisks or other characters to replace certain letters in curse words to make them more reader-friendly.
696. Pat Benatarandfeather (slang)
Any thread that starts with someone singing the praises of a person, player, company or some other entity, but quickly devolves into others turning it into a festival of scorn and derision.
(Come to think of it, this actually describes EVERY thread.
)
697. Intentional Walk-Away
When you’ve set a maximum bid amount for something and once that price is met, come hell or high water, you will not bid another penny more.
See also: Retreating for Two - when the thought of the hell that will be unleashed on you by your wife for spending too much money on a silly little card causes you to stop bidding in an auction.
698. Plunkdrunk
The high that results from getting carried away by emotion and winning a card by bidding much more than you promised yourself you would.
See also: Yupswing - the moment you place the bid which takes you beyond your pre-established limit.
See also: Gung Ho No!!! - the cry of despair resulting from stupidly winning an auction through an incredibly high, nearly self-bankrupting bid.
699. Gunslingering Doubt
The painful regret of not throwing caution to the wind and pulling the trigger on a much higher bid amount than you had planned, because overpaying for a card that rarely comes up for auction is always the right move.
700. Deflation Inflation
When sellers still insist on listing their cards at exorbitantly high prices, seemingly refusing to acknowledge how values have come down significantly since their pandemic highs.
701. Contemporary Insanity
The disbelief over seeing the stunning king’s ransoms being paid for some modern day cards.
702. Hearticulation
Being a lifelong fan and refusing to call your beloved team by the random, ‘politically correct’ moniker it was suddenly changed to, and sticking with what the franchise has always been called.
See also: Wokerevokers - people who aren’t necessarily fans of the team, but have a love for the game’s traditions and team identities, and refuse to use the silly new name.
703. Flipper Upper
Any affordably priced card that you believe to be a strong candidate for a resubmission upgrade to a higher number.
See also: Uppraisal - the examination of a card to determine if it’s suitable for a resubmission attempt.
See also: Bumplump - a card selling for a higher price than it should, most likely due to the feeling it very well should be broken out and resubmitted for a higher grade.
704. Jigsawkward
Vintage cards that were issued as rectangular picture puzzle pieces, but when laid out do not come close to seamlessly fitting together to form the intended whole, due to the wildly inconsistent factory cutting practices of the time.
705. Spurnaround (also
Reincardnation)
Taking items that for various reasons were originally rejected by PSA, and now sending the cards in to a different TPG for a new and deserving shot at slab life.
See also: Snubbish Bin (or
Snuffedstuff) - the group of cards shunned by PSA that sit in Card Savers donning stickers indicating “MISCUT,” “MINSIZERQ,” etc.
See also: Dismissal Launch - the act of sending out these cards to the ‘new’ TPG.
See also: Gleevival - when your cards now come back slabbed with number grades.
See also: Lazarush - the thrill of having one of your cards rightfully coming back to life.
706. Promissory Bloat
When a seller’s description of the condition of the cards you bought from him turns out to be very understated and everything looks much better than expected.
See also: Midloweight - the importance of understanding that when someone lists a group of cards as being “mid-grade,” you shouldn’t be surprised if the majority of them turn out to be lower grade stuff.
707. Swishful Thinking
The realization that although it was never a rare card, your dream of owning a nice and affordable 1986-87 Fleer Michael Jordan rookie will never come to pass.
708. Thwarthanded (informal)
A vintage card forever ruined by an inauthentic, perhaps secretarial or ink stamped, signature on it.
See also: John Hancrock - the fake autograph found on one of these pieces.
See also: Posticide or
Boooo! The Mail - when a card was ruined long ago in this manner after you requested an autograph through a fan letter.
709. Chi-Town Kubobs
The curious way Topps kept designing 1970’s-era Chicago Cubs team cards to be nothing but the ready-for-the-skewer floating heads of the players and coaching staff.
710. Dagnabbit Hole
A busy thread that has a link to a card, picture or something else that everyone’s talking about, but no one has added the actual image to the thread to make it easy for everyone to know what’s going on...so you annoyingly have no choice but to start clicking and following links to get up to speed.
711. “How could you tell he was a scammer?” “Simple. His asking price was quite reasonable.”
A plaintive gripe reflecting the state of baseball card sellers these days.
See also: Sense of Misdirection - the simple smarts and sound judgment which easily allows you to steer clear of card scammers.
712. The Grand Tillusion
The myth that selling your cards on eBay will be an easy way to get your coffers overflowing.
See also: The Point of No Returns - the confusion of seeing an eBayer stating that he doesn’t accept returns, when you’re pretty sure that everything on the site can be sent back for a refund if you follow proper protocols.
See also: Bridge Over Troubled Slaughter - saving yourself from heartache by setting up your auction with a reserve.
See also: Dark Side of the Boon - how the IRS is now forcefully inserting itself into your low value selling efforts made through PayPal and eBay.
See also: Stop Faking Sense - the wish for eBay to quit making nonsensical, unnecessary, and even harmful changes to their platform when nobody asked for them in the first place.
See also: Textile On Main St. - picking up a great, vintage game-worn uniform off of eBay.
713. Guano-it-All
Anyone posting their opinion in an opinion-based thread and concluding with, “End of discussion.”
714. Frank Flawed Wright
If you listen to the loud opinions being voiced in the collecting world, the apparent designer of each and every new TPG slab.
See also: Shabitat - the expressed disdain for a particular TPG’s holder.
715. Middlemerch
The prominent, drool-worthy cards kept front and center beneath the glass at a dealer’s table.
See also: Unobtaina-Table - a seller’s set-up at a show that has nothing but cards which are way beyond your means, but it’s exciting just to catch a glimpse of them anyway.
716. Booby Scratch
Seeing an otherwise gorgeous 1964 Topps card, only to turn it over and discover that some kid followed the directions and rubbed a coin across the blank box to reveal the cartoon answer.
See also: Scrapeheap - a group of these cards.
See also: Scratchscreech - the unhappy reaction to coming across such cards.
See also: Pristingy - the sacrifice of giving up knowing the answer to the tantalizing trivia question on the back of a 1964 card in order to keep it unscratched and unblemished.
See also: Drowntowner - any of the scant few 1964 Topps cards that do not feature the subject player breaking the surface of the photograph and jutting out into the ‘air’ of the white area.
717. Eightyoneing
No matter how great your favorite team is doing, you can never breathe securely until they meet the 81 victory threshold, ensuring they will NOT have a losing season.
718. Ownerslip (also
Ransom Notation)
As the cardboard seller’s version of ‘proof of life,’ having your name and today’s date written on something in the picture next to the card you’re offering for sale, for the express purpose of proving to the viewer that not only do you own the card, but you have it in hand.
See also: Proofessor - someone who engages in this activity.
719. Disrobing the Piece
Presenting convincing evidence that a supposed game-worn item found as part of a relic card doesn’t comport with the facts and surely could not have been legitimately worn by the player.
720. Tempty Promise
When a dealer allays your fears by guaranteeing that if you send the card he’s offering to a TPG, it will come back graded.
See also: Stickinthecrawthentic - when the seller informs you that being slabbed as ‘authentic,’ and not receiving a number grade, does indeed count as fulfilling this pledge.
721. Applied Reprintsearch
The act of closely examining the back of a seemingly authentic card in hopes of not finding the word “reprint” there.
See also: Backjacked - discovering that the word “reprint” was deceptively removed from a card to make it appear to be a valuable and legitimate original.
722. Cardboard Orphan
Anyone who had to suffer the indignity of knowing his very own mother thew out his baseball card collection without even telling him.
See also: Forfeitorture - the painful realization that your mom suddenly ‘handed down’ your boxes of baseball cards to a family who has younger, more suitable children to enjoy them.
723. Weirdiful
Any cards, sets or other such collectibles that are undoubtedly as ugly as sin to 99% of all collectors, but are fascinating and desirable to you personally.
See also: Hecktacular - a card that is truly a cool pick-up, but not for the usual reasons. Could be a bizarre printing error, a wild miscut, or something else that makes it wonderfully odd.
724. Penny Pinch-Hitting
Wanting to buy a card, but the price is a bit too high for your budget, so you switch your focus and ‘settle’ for a less desirable, but affordable, alternative.
See also: Hoboasting - being excited about scoring something great that was cheap, cheap, cheap.
725. Telegrim
Any type of message, PM or other communication which informs you that you did not win an auction.
726. Aggrievolution (also
Mittamorphoshitz)
The stupendously ridiculous MLB rule changes that have come out of nowhere recently and are simply anathema to the traditions and spirit of the beloved national pastime.
End of section 2, so now you have time to go and buy a Lotto ticket, because it's the only way to afford anything on eBay these days...