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We interrupt this broadcast!!!!!!!!!!
Presented for your perusal is a special,
'The National' inspired, collection of utter caca for the brain-dead hobbyist, AKA
Collectorisms Part XVII - Section 1.
"And so it is written, let the bald, middle-aged, paunchy men gather together and rejoice!!!"
Collectorisms may cause drowsiness in people who are allergic to Collectorisms.
Deep dish pizza is the work of the devil. Thin crust NY pizza with sloppy grease, cheese and sauce spilling everywhere is the ambrosia of the Gods. Opinions may vary...but if they do, yours is wrong.
988. Grave New World
The dystopian state of present-day card shows, where tables only sell mass-produced, technologically-engineered modern cards with a low number of ‘selectively bred’ chase cards inserted to bring favor and fortune to the privileged few, while the ‘non-conformist’ collectors of vintage cardboard are shunned.
989. Snagriculture
The science of plotting out your approach to a card show floor, deciding which sections and booths to visit, and in what order, to best take advantage of your opportunities to grab cards that are ripe for the picking in order to harvest a nice crop of collectibles.
See also: Booth Sleuth - someone amassing as much information as possible beforehand to determine which dealers are stocking the types of stuff he’s looking for.
990. Expaf
An adjective noting that something is “expensive as f*ck.”
991. Grab n’ Slab
The act of buying a card at a show and immediately heading to an on-site TPG’s booth to have it graded.
992. Gawkwardness
The state of a seller having to politely sit there as countless people slowly and methodically stare at his cards and then cruise on to the next table without buying anything.
993. Abetter Half (or
Minfin (
“Minister of Finance”))
(slang)
The wife of a card collector who tightly controls the purse strings, and no purchase decision can ever be made without her express, collaborative involvement and say-so.
See also: Hobby Bobbitting - the understanding that if you were ever stupid enough to cross her by making an unsanctioned purchase for your collection, you know exactly what will happen to you.
994. Showsupial
Any card show attendee who foregoes lugging around a backpack, bag or other tote and has nothing to hold his new purchases in except for his pockets.
995. “The reports of the death of high vintage card prices have been greatly exaggerated.”
A Mark Twainsian lament reflecting the fact that although some people select specific data to claim the overall prices of old cards have dropped significantly, that is absolutely NOT the case for the everyday collector.
996. Purchismo
Walking around a card show with your chin held high, knowing nothing’s going to stop you from going home with the specific cards you came here to get, prices be damned.
997. Thicktabler
Someone who insists on getting to a show at the earliest day and time possible, so the tables will still be full of the good stuff and not yet thinned out by the masses.
See also: Fleerosion - how a good amount of sellers on the last day of a show have already packed up their goods and hit the road.
998. FOMOOO (
“Cowing”)
An acronym for the people at home who are relishing in the ‘fun of missing out on overpaying’ for cards at 'The National.'
999. Paraloopers
Collectors well practiced in the art of high-magnification precision who drop into each table with their loupe at the ready, giving each card they’re interested in a full and proper examination.
1000. Exodash
The act of waiting for a dealer’s attention to be drawn away by someone else, so you can seamlessly disengage from his table without feeling the need to awkwardly offer him parting words after not buying anything.
See also: Dial L for Leaver - the act of pretending to get a phone call in order to make slipping away from someone’s booth effortlessly easy.
1001. “May the cards be ever in your favor.”
The dutiful and expected acknowledgment that card show attendees offer to one another.
1002. Cobbslobb
A seller with an inordinate number of valuable Ty Cobb cards on display and/or in his collection.
1003. Fillanthropist
An attendee with a good heart who goes out of his way to help someone else who’s not at the show fill a hole in their want list by tracking down a card and arranging for its purchase.
1004. Crowdmouth (also
Showsemite Sam)
That superficial, self-appointed ‘expert’ seller who takes himself too seriously as he yaps away and waves money around to make sure everyone around his table knows how impressive he is. He’s your best friend while you’re looking at his cards, but his bitter enemy the moment you pass on his prices and walk away.
1005. Brawn Sugar
Cards of steroids-era players on display.
1006. All Flash, No Cash
A dealer’s bitter assessment of the vivacious, personable show-goer who eagerly spends time engaging him in lively conversations at his table, but walks away without buying anything.
See also: Panashionate - an attendee who strongly revels in the social aspect of the hobby, showing a sparkling flair for happily chatting up both dealers and buyers alike.
1007. Booza Nova (Portuguese)
Someone new to the site with scant few posts who RSVPs to the annual Net54baseball dinner held during 'The National' to share the free drinks with other members.
See also: Chugger Duplo (
“Double Chugger”) - when he also includes a plus one.
1008. Wine, Women and Cardboard
A tripartite motto expressing the gloriously hedonistic view that there are only three things that any adult male should ever consider spending money on.
1009. Scoopemupper
The serendipitous discovery of a card in a bargain bin whose value obviously exceeds the low price.
See also: Cheap Choicing - after finding the first one you want, scouring through the huge masses of stuff in order to find other desirable-enough cards to reach the stated threshold (“5 Cards for $10!,” e.g.) on the discount bin signage.
1010. A King on His Throne of Plastic
That seller sitting regally without a care in the world at his table of highly-graded, big-money cards for sale, never seemingly bothered that no one can even afford to buy any of his golden wares.
1011. 31 Cravers (slang)
A term for a seller’s display case filled with sugary sweet cards, each more drool-worthy than the previous.
1012. “Il collezionista che non raccoglie ciò che raccolgo è mio amico” (
“The collector who doesn’t collect what I collect is my friend”)
(Ital.)
A time-honored maxim stating that when the element of competition is removed, two people are better able to enjoy the hobby together.
1013. Shoestring Theory
The belief that although your card-buying budget is minimal at best, it is still possible to find a way to direct your money into making wonderfully epic purchases.
1014. Sympathology
The sickness of a seller thinking he’s fooling anyone when he puts on a show of pretend sadness as he says, “I’m going to take a bath on this, but I’ll let you have it for...” as he states his ridiculous price.
See also: Sales Fall - when someone with dollar signs in their eyes approaches a dealer’s table to ask if he’s interested in buying their ‘valuable’ cards, but it’s just the obligatory box of junk wax era stuff.
1015. Non Comps Mentis
The medical term for sellers who flat-out refuse to even consider taking recent past sales data into account when pricing their cards.
See also: My Cardboard, My Choice - the simple reality that the owner of a card can set his asking price at whatever the heck he wants.
1016. Travelation
The delight in making a first-time journey to a card show and finding it was very much all that it was cracked up to be and absolutely worth the trip.
1017. Mantle Acuity
The sharp perception and ability to know exactly whether or not purchasing this Mantle right now at this price will turn out to be a good, profitable decision later.
1018. Sparefishing
On the hunt to grab more and more doubles to keep your boxes of trade bait brimming.
See also: Twin Culling - buying a card to knock it off of your need list, only to later discover that you didn’t actually need it anymore.
1019. Vicuriously
When the joy of comfortably sitting at home to look through other people’s pictures and videos from a show is tempered by the fact that now you have all sorts of questions you really want answered.
1020. Shamaraderie
The false belief that a true sense of community exists among card collectors, when we know damn well we’re all just swimming in a kiddie pool filled with blood-thirsty sharks.
And section 1 fizzles out.
I wish you all much luck in leaving early to beat the traffic!!