The New Directory of Collectorisms...

JollyElm · #1 12-10-2021, 06:57 PM

"Most of all I'm scared of walking out of this room and never feeling, the rest of my whole life, the way I feel when I'm collecting."

I present to you 2021's Collectorisms Part IX (also SemRANTics or VoSLABulary)

***ALERT!!!!!!*** This is meant for entertainment purposes only!!!! Hopefully, laughs will abound!!!!
Before you do anything, scroll down to #457 and read it, so you will understand what's going on here. Life is short, so grab the giggles while you still can!

This is a work of fiction, grammar Nazis, so if I wanted to write "raquelwelchisthehottestpieceofassinhistory" and use it as a verb, I could. Will most surely induce vomiting. Masks must be worn at all times while reading this. Please stand six feet back from your phone or computer, or you'll be sent away to a COVID re-education camp. No polar ice caps were affected while writing this post.

"I came here tonight, because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life collecting cards, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible..."

447. Exgilaration (usually followed by a slew of exclamation points)
The unbounded thrill of Brooklyn Dodgers fans (or their now-middle-aged children) who have waited a lifetime to finally see Gil Hodges voted into the Hall of Fame.

See also: Olivator Shaft - The regret of missing out on picking up Tony Oliva cards cheaply, before the Hall of Fame vote caused a surge in pricing.

See also: Oliva Oil - the newly discovered and suddenly more valuable Tony Oliva cards found in your doubles or commons boxes.

See also: Kaaticombs - the recesses that you crawl through in your search for the hidden-away boxes that may contain old Jim Kaat cards.

448. Miyagi
A card with gum or wax residue on front that has turned nasty-looking over time, but you know it can be easily ‘waxed off.’

449. Protractivity
Posting a ‘for sale’ thread which is hardly getting any views...but once the card is gone and you change the title to include the word “SOLD,” the number of views suddenly surges upward.

See also: Sigh-onara - seeing “SOLD” next to a card you would have immediately jumped at had you seen it in time.

450. Bereaven-Steven
A trade made that includes you sadly parting ways with a card that you really wanted to hold onto.

451. Horizertical
The non-specific corner orientation of horizontal cards. If someone directs you to, say, a team card’s bottom right corner, does he mean the lower right corner when the card is positioned as it was meant to be looked at, or is he referring to the lower right corner as it sits vertically inside of a slab?

452. Up Slit’s Creek
The delicate, no-margin-for-error process of trying to successfully slide a card into a tight-fitting penny sleeve without chipping the card.

453. Swifteen Minutes (also No Maas)
The abbreviated time that the hot cards of rookies taking the baseball world by storm enjoy the limelight...before they inevitably drop off the face of the earth.

454. Mocknee Accent
The curious inclusion of the photographer’s leg in the picture on Dick Allen’s 1971 Topps card.

See also: Massachusetts Blobster Roll - the 1959 Fleer Ted Williams #34 “1947 - Ted Sets Runs-Scored Record” card.

See also: Say-Hey Krud - the oft-ridiculed fact that Topps surreptitiously snuck a sliding Willie Mays into Hank Aaron’s 1956 card.

455. Scheduality
The odd occurrence when both last month’s and this month’s ‘New Pick-Ups’ threads are both active at the same time.

See also: Last Monther - someone who feels the need to explain that although he’s posting in the new pickups thread, he actually bought the card during the previous month.

456. Climbs Disease
The affliction of continually needing to upgrade your cards to higher slab numbers.

457. “Ashes to Ashes, Cardboard to Cardboard”
The depressing realization that at some point each of us is going to unknowingly be eligible for a “Sad News - (Your Name Here)” thread.

458. Signfailed (followed by the obligatory lip pops, tongue noises and other “organic human sounds” as a lead-in...)
A (theoretical?) thread centered around whether or not a vintage sign or advertisement piece is authentic.

See also: Jerrymanderer - a person starting this sort of thread who really works hard to persuade people to get on his side and agree with his conclusions.

See also: New, Man! - an annoying person who only shows up to exclaim it is nothing but a modern day creation or reproduction.

See also: George Bonanza - a member who is convinced it is the real thing and tells you so.

See also: George Lowcostanza - someone who doesn’t have a lot of faith in the piece and advises you to only buy it if it’s extremely cheap.

See also: Art Vandewayoff - anyone who doesn’t mince words and tells you it’s as fake as fake can be.

See also: Swoop Nazi - someone trying to beat everyone else to the punch by sending the OP messages with offers to buy the piece, because he’s convinced it’s real.

See also: Diskramer - a cautious person who feels it very well may be legitimate, but won’t fully commit until more evidence is provided.

See also: Elaincet (or Oppose Talker) - somebody poking holes in other people’s claims of authenticity or inauthenticity.

See also: Mockinaw Peaches - posts telling the OP there is no way in heck the piece is real, but said in an ostensibly sweet way.

See also: Babu Bhattshittcrazy (or Kenny Banyapper) - somebody who spouts all sorts of things that he thinks are relevant, but no one has any idea what he’s talking about.

See also: Sue Ellen Mischmaschke - someone who not only offers information pointing to it being legitimate, but at the same time also states reasons that might make it a fake.

See also: Anti-Dendrite (or Tim Whatleech) - someone who, for selfish reasons, hopes the thread doesn’t continue to branch outward and get exposed to other potential buyers.

See also: "J." Petermanifesto (or Bob Sacamaniacal) - a guy who takes no prisoners and goes on and on in letting everyone know that his opinion as to authenticity is the only one that matters.

See also: Scoffee Shop - the state the thread reaches as it begins to move away from a pursuit of information and degenerates into an insult fest.

See also: Viewer Shrinkage - as the thread devolves into nothing but a nasty argument, fewer and fewer members regularly check in for updates.

See also: Uncle Brio - somebody without an opinion of whether or not it is legitimate, but saying how awesome of a find it is.

See also: Lloyd Braunnoser - a person trying to get on the OP’s good side, hoping it’ll increase his chances of getting the piece off of him.

See also: Re-Grifter - someone who is certain it’s a fabrication, but wants to buy it cheaply so he can sell it elsewhere as ‘real’ and make a huge profit.

See also: The Bubble-Burst Boy - a guy who offers ‘drop the mic’ proof that the piece is indeed a fake.

459. Flipreader
Someone who’s able to tell you what year a card was graded by examining the layout, typeface, cert number, and other information found on the slab.

460. Plastic Cageism
The bias associated with the older, cheap looking PSA labels which causes the cards housed within them to sell for less than their newer counterparts.

461. Shirtchanged (also Alley-Oops-a-Daisy)
The bizarre practice of Topps showing basketball players with their uniform tops on backwards, so their last names were visible.

462. Thingamajignorant
When you don’t know what the various types of baseball card supplies - like penny sleeves, toploaders, snaptites, pocket pages, screw downs, corrugated boxes, team bags, etc. - are specifically called.

463. Slab Blind
Being so enthralled and focused on the beauty of a card that you don’t even notice the blatant damage and/or blemishes, like cracks or frosting, on the case itself.

464. Ōm Plate
The fact that looking through your baseball card collection will always give you the feeling of peace and serenity you’re craving at that moment.

See also: Winner Sanctum - the blessed feeling of joy as you sit alone in a comfy chair admiring your fantastic new auction pick-up.

465. Mold Gold (also W�nderbond (Ger.))
The various sets of cards issued by bread companies.

See also: Flourdough - a seriously valuable bread company card.

See also: Bond Bombshell - any newfound information that helps advance our knowledge of the prized, late-40’s Jackie Robinson set.

466. Vignorance (also Semantax)
The realization that after agreeing on a price for a card at a show, the ‘real’ price turns out to be completely different, because taxes and fees had to be added due to the use of a credit card.

467. Back Roads Scholar
Someone who enjoys researching, discussing and seeking to visit the former sites of long forgotten baseball stadiums.

468. Scanicure
The slow, gentle pushing of your fingernail into the side of a card to get a lift and remove it from the static cling of the scanner bed without causing any damage to it.

See also: Axtraction - when pushing your fingernail too hard into the side of a card causes chipping or makes the layers of cardboard separate.

469. Double-Edder
The inescapable inclination to accidentally say “Eddie Murphy” when meaning to say “Eddie Murray.”

470. Chextras
Having two of each of the checklists when building a set - one to be marked up and used as an actual checklist, and the other to be left unblemished for posterity.

471. Doubt of Focus
Not being able to decipher which of the jumble of helmeted players in the action shot on a football card is the player whose card it is.

See also: Bailoutfit - by looking at the team name on the card, you can match up the color of the uniform in the photo to zero in on the correct player.

472. Augmensch
Someone who is able to add all sorts of extra enjoyment to a card by relating background stories or bits of trivia about the player or the card itself.

473. Buyerarchy
The order in which each individual collector personally places each of the fundamental card assessment elements - centering, corners, image clarity, print quality, etc. - from most important to least important, when purchasing cards.

474. Sword of Damosleaze (myth.)
The fear and anxiety that looms over every seller who sends cards through the mail to winning bidders, never being safe from a shyster pulling an ‘although the tracking says it arrived, it didn’t’ or ‘the card arrived damaged’ scam.

475. Battrition
The sad fact that the dais at the Hall of Fame induction ceremony has fewer and fewer all-time greats on it each year.

See also: Pinchtributor - a relative of a deceased enshrinee who takes the stage to give the Hall of Fame acceptance speech.

476. Shortslighted
The frustrated realization that until you had the card in hand, you didn’t know the 1975 Topps you bought was actually a 1975 Topps Mini.

See also: Double-Shorted - how expensive the 1975 Brett, Yount, Rice and Carter cards become for HOF rookie card collectors, since you have to buy two of each, a regular and a mini.

See also: Smallevolence (or Minipulator) - a seller purposefully listing a card as a regular “1975 Topps,” and not as a “1975 Topps Mini.”

477. Shrugly Duckling
A card that turns out to be ‘not as described’ when you receive it, but since the price still works for the actual condition it is in, you decide it’s best to just keep it and avoid going through the hassle of seeking a refund.

478. “Loose lips sink flips.”
The time honored maxim that it is best not to be too forthcoming in letting people know what hard-to-find cards you’re actively pursuing, because anyone having one of those cards will know they now have you over a barrel.

479. Double-Bummer
A low grade card that also has a qualifier on the label.

480. Fake Schmooze
Dealers at card shows who are obviously only being nice to you in an attempt to talk you into overpaying for something on their table.

481. Pollacrity
When people, instead of answering honestly, purposely vote a certain way in a poll just to be d-bags and mess up the results.

482. Loverturner (or Yupender)
Collectors who jubilantly flip a card over to read the back and look at the cartoon

See also: Learnover - finding interesting things on a back of a card that you hadn’t known before.

483. Mathematricks
The purposeful use of only outlier data by someone trying to convince you that the card he is offering in a trade is equal to the high value card of yours he’s looking to score.

484. Quintuple Dribble
The astounding fact that the entire starting lineup pictured on 1972 and 1973 Topps New York Knicks cards are all Hall of Famers.

See also: Septuple Dribble - when the cards of Phil Jackson and Jerry Lucas are also included.

485. Grincomplete (also Shundamental)
Being completely satisfied in considering your set complete without ever worrying about trying to obtain any of the impossible-to-get cards like the T-206 “Big 4” or 1952 Topps high numbers.

See also: Basis Full - whether it’s the lack of high numbers, variations or other things, what each collector personally considers to be ‘close enough’ to a complete set for them individually.

See also: Reign of Error - knowing you’ll never be able to afford either of the T-206 Sherry “Magie” or Joe Doyle “N.Y. NAT’L” variations.

486. Shortwaives
Players who shoulda/coulda/woulda been Hall of Famers, but their careers were curtailed by serious injuries.

See also: Shortcrave - final career statistics aside, the belief that these superstars still deserve enshrinement based on their somewhat abbreviated accomplishments.

See also: Formattingly - any supporter of Donnie Baseball’s enshrinement.

See also: Balking Wounded - cards of football players who were ‘sure-fire’ Hall of Famers early on, but career ending/altering injuries forever derailed their enshrinement.

487. Minibum
Someone who knowingly sells trimmed cards.

See also: Rpoff Artist - a seller who either disguises the fact that a card is a reprint, or whose only reference to it being so is an easily-missed “RP” notation in the description.

488. Statistics Schmatistics
Being careful with what the figures actually tell you. For instance, a quarterback flipping the ball forward an inch to a player who takes it 99 yards to the house, gets credit for a 99 yard TD pass, and a can-of-corn out in one old baseball stadium would have been a home run in a different one.

489. Technicalithief (also Pinielling Lies (colloquialism))
A seller deceptively calling a card a rookie card (which it technically is), when the player’s actual rookie card was the one he was pictured on in a previous year.

See also: Enemasquerade - getting screwed over by not realizing that this card is not his actual 'first' rookie card.

490. Tape Saint
Anyone who deliberately folds over the corner of the tape used to seal a toploader, so the person receiving the card can immediately open it without vainly scraping their fingernails across it trying to lift a corner.

See also: My Blue Tape Heaven - opening a mailer to see the sender used easily-removable painter’s tape to secure everything, and your immediate thought is, “This guy gets it.”

Now that you've wasted time reading this, go give someone a needed hug!!

Yoda · #2 12-11-2021, 12:32 PM

Ah, Darren, what do you do in your spare time?

Leon · #3 12-13-2021, 03:22 PM

Nicely done.

perezfan · #4 12-13-2021, 03:29 PM

We need more Tape Saints in the hobby. That's a courtesy you see maybe 1 in 100 times.

butchie_t · #5 12-13-2021, 03:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by perezfan

We need more Tape Saints in the hobby. That's a courtesy you see maybe 1 in 100 times.

Amen to that statement.

JollyElm · #6 03-18-2022, 06:49 AM

"Sleep all day. Party all night. Never grow old. Never die. It's fun to be a card collector."

I present to you 2022's Collectorisms Part X - Section 1 of 3 (Yes, I've developed enough material to turn this new section into a trilogy*...so stay tuned!!)

***ALERT!!!!!!*** This is meant for entertainment purposes only!!!! Hopefully, laughs will abound!!!!
Before you do anything, scroll down to #512 and read it, so you will understand what's going on here. Life sucks, so grab yourself some yuks!

This is a work of fiction. Do not read this post if you are currently taking a drug for depression. If a rash, redness, irritation, or swelling develops, discontinue reading. Please do not eat the urinal cakes.

"Lord loves a working man, don’t trust Whitey (Ford)..."

*And like 'The Godfather' trilogy, you'll love some of it, hate some of it and will ultimately end up screaming, "When in high f*ck is this thing finally going to end???!!!!!!"

491. Cravin'-It Emptor
When your unbridled desire for a card causes you to be unaware of all of the red flags pointing to it being a scam.

492. Sacrificial Jam
Stuffing random cards you couldn’t care less about into each end of a vintage set box to act as a space-filling buffer and protect the ‘good’ cards from getting damaged.

493. Stampire
A tobacco card collector who preys on finding ones with specific stampings on them.

494. Leap Frauds
The hackers and scammers who continue to jump from one platform or account to another after being exposed time and time again.

See also: Whack-A-Troll - the endless pursuit of warning other collectors about new scam artists appearing on the scene.

See also: Scamster Wheel - the scumbag mindset of always searching for new and innovative ways to rip off people.

495. Schlock Photos
The generic, traditional poses used time and time again by Topps and other baseball card companies.

• Flesh Rhombus
A pitcher with his hands and mitt above his head, elbows pointing outward, to mimic the start of a wind-up.

• Grass Squat
A catcher devoid of equipment and nowhere near home plate, crouching down in the middle of the field to receive a pitch that will surely never come.

• Stretch Strong-Arm
A pitcher who’s leaning far forward with his pitching hand outstretched, mimicking the end of his release.

See also: Sleepbalker - when the hurler, seemingly in a daze, is still firmly holding the ball in his outstretched hand.

See also: Bringing the Greet - when this pitcher is also smiling happily at the camera.

• Batting Trance
An expressionless hitter forced to stand in the ‘ready’ position, looking at the camera with his bat up, waiting for a phantom pitch to come.

• Longholler
A manager with his hand next to his mouth pretending to be shouting out instructions to his players.

• Sir Lanceswat
A player majestically gripping his ‘wooden sword’ with two hands while directing it at, or in the general direction of, the camera, so it appears to be coming right at the viewer.

See also: Knights of Columberus - a group of these types of cards.

• Moundticipation
A slightly crouched pitcher with his hand and mitt at the ready, apparently either waiting for the ball to be tossed back to him by the catcher or preparing to field a come-backer.

• Hatless Couture
The standard close-up head shot of a player not wearing a cap, which purposely eliminates any hint of which team he plays for.

See also: Chinchilling - a closeup of a player casually looking skyward, chin jutting out with only the underside of his cap brim visible, so the team logo remains unseen and unknown.

• Wadworker
A card showing the player with a huge gob of tobacco stuffed in his cheek.

See also: Chawtograph - any signed Nellie Fox card.

• Foul Haul
An player with his mitt near the grass, pretending to backhand a non-existent ball while clearly standing in foul territory.

• Crouch Potato
A hunched-over infielder looking at the camera with his hands and mitt primed to scoop up a grounder hit directly at him.

• Knobster
The self-assured, ready for the coming fight pose of gripping the bat with two hands as it rests upon a shoulder, knob bottom facing the camera.

• Gutclench
A hurler at a full stop in the ‘set’ position, hand grasping the ball inside of his mitt at his stomach, stoically looking off to read the catcher’s signs or slyly keep a runner in check.

496. Optimullet
A card that is optimally beautiful when looked at from the front, but when you flip it over there are significant problems on the back.

See also: Hind Thwarters - a visually gorgeous card in a slab that has a lower grade (or qualifier) based solely on an otherwise ‘unseen’ issue on the reverse.

See also: Stainted Love - a card that looks beautiful on front, but has a dark, egregious, unremovable gum stain on back.

497. Popanoia
The unshakeable feeling in your gut that the graders at any TPG literally don’t want your cards to receive high numbers.

498. Crumb-Drops (also Price Droop)
Anytime someone bumps a for sale thread with a declaration of “PRICE DROP,” when it’s nothing but a slight, insignificant reduction in price.

See also: Bump Jump - when the latest lowered price on a card is finally attractive enough for you to pull the trigger.

See also: Flies on the Prize - the acute awareness that all sorts of other collectors are buzzing around, primed to zip in and beat you to it when the price drops to the right level.

See also: Slash Bash - a thread where the seller has a wide variety of cards listed and lowers the price on ‘everything that still remains.’

See also: Slabtain Obvious - if any graded card remains unsold in the B/S/T after a short while, it simply means the asking price doesn’t correspond closely enough to any recent sales price data.

499. James Banned
A collector of players who have been banished in some way from the major leagues or are otherwise found on baseball's ineligible list.

See also: Bitter Batter Bettor Barter (tongue twister) - any trade involving a Pete Rose card.

500. Tuxidermy
Any card sitting inside of an elegant, black and white SGC slab.

See also: Black Slab Affair - how exquisite a group of cards looks housed in these SGC holders.

501. Frontalbacks
Cards having wet sheet transfers on them.

502. Parkaeologist
Someone who is able to deftly analyze the visual clues hidden inside of a photograph to determine what old baseball stadium the picture was taken in.

See also: Circa-Catch - when said clues also indicate, within a close proximity, the year in which the photo was taken.

503. Jeepers Keepers
Having two of the same card, both having relatively minor, but different, flaws or drawbacks, and you go back and forth trying to decide which of the pair is the ‘better’ one to hold onto.

504. Redruelin’ (slang)
Memories of begging your dad to hit the gas station, even when the tank was full, because you were salivating over getting your hands on more of the football or hockey stamps they gave away free with each visit.

See also: Gas Brags - kids who pridefully showed off all of the service station stamps they were able to accumulate.

505. Buy Diver (also George Washington Conniver)
Economics 101 aside, someone who’s always listing cards at sky high prices, but when he contacts you about one of yours, he insists on getting it for mere peanuts.

506. Ghostboxed
Opening a newly delivered auction win, only to find you were presumably sent an empty package by the seller himself, because there is no evidence of tampering present anywhere on the mailer.

507. Valchemist
Someone trying to turn cardboard into gold by pricing an SGC or BVG card at the much higher value of what the same card with the same number would go for in a PSA holder.

508. Holigraze (also Thankstaking Feast)
The great purchases you’re able to make, because ‘no one’ else is paying attention to eBay that day due to it being a major holiday or some other attention-grabbing event or occurrence is taking place.

See also: Grafternoon Delight - feeling like you commited a crime, because you won a card at such a low price only because of the early, extremely-low-traffic time of day the auction ended.

509. CSI-Don’t-Think-So!
The shock of seeing an eBay seller wearing serious medical or museum curator quality gloves while holding the card in the auction pic, and immediately knowing this thing is gonna be way beyond your budget.

510. Packne Scar
When a supposedly reputable seller of unopened material’s reputation becomes sullied due to a highly visible mistake.

511. Evolutionary Cardwinism
The incremental change in valuation from, say, a Hank Aaron card being worth, “My friend’ll give me three Mets for it! Dyn-o-mite!!!” when you were a kid, to putting it under a blacklight to root out any unseen flaws, using calipers to measure centering, and so on, to formulate a specific monetary dollar value for it today.

512. Puncertainty Principle
The fact that whenever a thread is meant to be, or turns out to be, humorous, one thing is undoubtable - as the witty remarks come, trite plays on words and double entendres will abound.

513. Wahoo-Turn
Trading for a Sam Crawford card.

See also: Love ‘em and Heave ‘em - a trade including a Paul Casanova or Ron Darling card.

514. Upgrift
Auctions employing deceptive tactics to meet hidden reserves.

515. Window Hopping
When you have nothing against a particular seller in the B/S/T, but you know everything he lists is very overpriced, so you just skip past his FS threads as you’re looking for cards to buy.

516. Ex-Postage-Facto
The listing of a single card for sale at, say, $50, then including at the very end of the post, “Add $4 shipping,” instead of just saying, “$54 Dlvd.” right at the top to begin with.

517. Slabbetizer
A card or autograph which has gotten a PSA ‘Quick Opinion’ or Beckett ‘Raw Card Review.’

518. Pok�monstrosity
The disappointment of walking into a baseball card show to find that 95% of the tables are hawking nothing but modern day items and non-sport cards.

See also: Pika-ching! - a quite valuable Pok�mon card.

See also: Yenolds Rap - happily belting out the beats after you’ve ripped a pack and acquired a very pricey foil parallel card.

519. Fool’s Sold
Adding a new post to your own thread (that everyone is now forced to read) to declare that the card has been sold, instead of simply editing the title to reflect this fact.

520. Bickerton Annoyance Ratio (BAR)
A mathematical assessment of a net54 member’s overall nuisance factor, stated in the argument to post quotient of b = a � r, wherein a = the total number of posts by a member in a single month that are argumentative, contrarian or otherwise negative, and r = the total number of all posts by said member in the month.

See also: Hyber (palatalization of “High BAR”) - anyone with a BAR that doesn’t have a minimum of one or two zeros to the immediate right of the decimal point.

See also: Flaming Snowball - like the proverbial snowball endlessly rolling down the hill, someone who never tires of being argumentative in seemingly every thread in which he appears.

See also: Reverse Avalanche - the people who plainly have had more than enough, and start loudly telling ‘Mr. Snowball’ to go back from whence he came.

521. Grody to the Packs! (informal)
A great enthusiasm for 1980’s-era junk wax.

See also: Hijunx - the sheer delight of ripping open any wax pack from any manufacturer from any year.

522. Moppetroglyphs
The random words, numbers, etc., written on a card by a kid back in the day.

See also: Boyjotting - attempting to decipher, when not readily apparent, the possible meaning of, or the reasoning behind, the specific scribblings on an old card you own.

See also: Defacelift - any attempt to remove ink or pencil marks from a card.

523. Rubicontract
The implied agreement that once the ‘official’ taped seal securing a card inside of a toploader is breached, any attempts to return the card to the seller for a refund are null and void.

524. Float Earthers
Rookie cards, leaders cards, or team cards that picture nothing but the disembodied heads of the players.

See also: Heliuminary - when one of these ‘hovering heads’ is an all-time great.

525. Auction Grouse
Anyone who rightfully badgers an auctioneer to take down a deceptively-listed item currently active and being bid on.

526. The Odes of March
Warm remembrances of your youthful self being all excited that winter was finally abating and the turning weather meant a new baseball season was on the horizon.

527. “You never walk into the same card show twice”
A time-honored expression marking the fact that the beloved hobby is and always will be in a perpetual state of change.

528. Killebrewmaster
An ardent collector of all things Harmon Killebrew.

529. Theoretical Bizz-Assist
Someone expressing their strong opinions on what exact changes must be made to a TPG’s business model to help right the ship.

530. Brandwagoner
A collector who suddenly becomes interested in the charms of an old set from a secondary manufacturer that other people have been marveling about forever.

531. A Life Sentence for Driving 56 MPH (metaphor)
The ludicrous assertion that the sins of players who completely ruined the very meaning of statistics due to a daily diet of performance enhancing drugs (PEDs) are somehow comparable to players who popped stimulants in the old days.

532. Potato Sacker
An ardent collector of 1968 Topps cards.

See also: Burlapses - the empty spaces in the pages of your 1968 Topps set binder.

See also: Knit Captivating - Johnny Bench’s appearance on his rookie card.

533. Coroner’s Tablers
Fans of the cold, dull, gray 1970 Topps set.

534. Kiblitzer (Yiddish)
Someone who seemingly has a front row seat to every thread in the B/S/T, and rushes in to buy up everything before anyone else has a chance to even view it.

535. Primarinara
The extra ‘sauce’ of value that is associated with a card being numerically first in a set.

See also: Primarigold - one of these cherished cards that is in fantastic shape.

536. Coin Flakes
Any prized and valuable card that was originally found inside of, or printed on, a box of cereal.

See also: The Breakfast Snub (or “Snap, Crackle, Flop”) - the complete letdown of your young self digging through a box of Kellogg’s to get to the 3-D treasure at the bottom...only to find the card is a random player you’ve never heard of on a team you have no interest in.

537. Perfecstration
The irritation of trying to remove a newly delivered card from an overly snug ‘Perfect Fit’ sleeve without causing damage.

538. Zamcronies (also Wintree-Huggers)
Avid collectors of hockey cards and memorabilia.

See also: Smugshots - the smiling, toothless faces pictured on any vintage penalty minutes leaders hockey card.

539. Packwards
Describing a card that was never issued in packs as “Pack Fresh!”

See also: Fresh Cents - the use of “Freshly Graded!!” in a listing, in the strange hope that those words alone will help the card sell for more money.

End of section 1, so go take care of your St. Patty's Day hangover...

JollyElm · #7 03-24-2022, 05:00 PM

"When I buy a new set, I look at the last card first. That way, in case I die before I finish, I know how it ends. That, my friend, is a dark side."

I present to you 2022's Collectorisms Part X - Section 2 of 3

"I made him an offer on a card he couldn't refuse..."

540. Jiggle Junkie
A spirited collector of Jell-O cards and boxes.

See also: Dessert Chopping - any card cut from a Jell-O box.

See also: Snipped Cream - a valuable card cut from a Jell-O box.

See also: Wiggle Warrior - a person always in pursuit of advancing the collecting community’s knowledge and understanding of vintage Jell-O sets.

541. Gloatin’ Free
The showing off of great cards, not because of some self-serving ‘look at me’ mindset, but simply because you know other collectors really enjoy seeing them.

See also: Gemissary - a high-minded collector who derives great pleasure from seeing other people’s enjoyment of his rare ‘jewels.’

542. Tedhead
An enthusiastic collector, follower and enthusiast of all things Theodore Samuel Williams.

See also: Ted Honcho - any very rare or valuable Ted Williams card.

See also: Ted Fake - momentarily thinking you hit it big by scoring a 1959 Fleer Ted Williams #55 ‘1955 - Ted Decides Retirement Is “No Go”‘ card...until you realize that although Ted sits in street clothes at a table next to an executive with papers to sign, it is not the coveted #68 ‘Jan. 23, 1959 - Ted Signs For 1959’ card.

543. Quadroptics
The quick, involuntary way your eyes inspect a card by focusing first on a single corner area, then moving on to the next one as you go around the horn examining all four corners to make an overall assessment of the card’s condition.

See also: Bumper Snicker - the reaction to discovering three beautiful corners in a row, only to find the last one viewed is dinged, rounded or overly soft.

544. Lickety-Split Personality
Someone who puts a tremendous amount of importance on receiving his auction wins as quickly as humanly possible.

See also: Grab Lag - when checking on the delivery status of a card, and it continually says “SHIPPING LBL CREATED USPS AWAITS ITEM” and never seems to advance into the “USPS IN POSSESSION OF ITEM” phase.

545. Two-Card Garage
Any TPG slab that wasn’t created to specifically house a certain sized card, so it remains unsecured, sliding around inside of the expansive holder.

546. Amazenith
The ridiculous, over-the-top high prices of cards listed on Amazon.

547. “When I say bump, you say how many times!”
The seeming arrogance of members sending their threads to the top much too often for anyone’s liking.

548. Sourglow
When putting a card under a blacklight reveals hidden problems or evidence of doctoring that you were unaware of.

549. Kigh Anxiety
The distress felt by any well-versed baseball fan upon hearing Kiki Kuyler’s name once again being mispronounced.

550. Bad Breadth
A card notorious for ‘always’ being terribly off-centered to one particular side.

See also: East-Slider - one seemingly found 99% of the time with the image just about falling off the right side of the card.

See also: West-Slider - one seemingly found 99% of the time with the image just about falling off the left side of the card.

See also: The Overly Brothers - the other cards that shared the same row on the print sheet and sing from the same excessively off-centered songbook.

551. Undeadline
The continually reanimated ending time of an auction with “extended bidding” rules in play.

552. Backpedestaling
The act of quickly hiking the prices of cards to reflect the newfound status of an old ballplayer who has finally become a Hall of Famer, a marked change from him sitting in the ‘dollar box’ just a week earlier.

553. Flip Floptimistic
A person hoping the prices of the cards he wants to buy drop back down to pre-COVID levels, while also wishing the prices of the cards he wants to sell continue to rise exponentially.

See also: “The best day to sell your cards is yesterday.” (adage) - the unavoidable fact that when you finally decide to auction off your cards to take advantage of crazily high prices, the market will always drop the moment you list them.

554. Etchebarrened
The surprise of seeing a player on an old card wearing a uniform number that has been forever intrinsically linked to an all-time great who played for the team later on.

555. Boxymoron
The odd absurdity of blacking in the box on a checklist card which is the number of the very checklist card you are holding in your hand and marking.

556. Pacademic
An expert at identifying and categorizing vintage baseball card wax pack wrappers.

557. Niels Bohring
Anyone whose assessment of players from long ago is focused solely on cold, hard stats, while ignoring all of the non-tangible and emotional aspects of the game, like what their contemporaries said about them as players, teammates and rivals.

558. Hubbug Out
Seeing a beautiful, newly listed card at such a great price that you’re basically knocking things over as your hand races to click on the auction and hit ‘Buy-It-Now’ before someone else beats you to it.

559. Joining Hate Watchers
Sitting on the couch, stuffing your face with junk food as you tune into a game for no other reason than to loudly root against the team and players who knocked your favorite team out of the playoffs.

See also: “The eliminator of my team’s eliminator is my friend” - no matter how much you despise a certain team, once they step up and defeat the squad who sent your team packing, you immediately give them a hearty thumbs up.

See also: Human Anti-Bradys - all of the people across the world who shout to the heavens year after year beseeching the gods to deliver Tom Brady a loss on Super Bowl Sunday.

See also: Winoculation - how some of the storied NFL franchises seem to have an immunity to becoming Super Bowl champions.

560. Ignormalcy
How placing the right member on your ‘ignore’ list returns a sense of harmony to the site and increases your enjoyment of it exponentially.

See also: Quotetails - when someone quotes one of those guys in their post, so you are forced to see whatever garbage is coming out of his keyboard now.

See also: Dismishugener (Yid.) - the gumption of someone who is found on countless members’ ‘ignore’ lists talking about the members he himself put on his own ‘ignore’ list.

561. Wear is Over (If You Want it)
Since modern day pack rippers completely ignore everything but the ‘money’ cards, which are immediately put into protective toploaders or albums before quickly being sent off to be graded, there will never again be stacks of cards showing the traditional wear and tear from kids excitedly, repeatedly handling them.

See also: Packslabbing - removing new cards from packs and immediately getting them ready to be sent off for grading.

562. Chaperonus (more familiarly Chaperanus)
Someone who feels it’s his duty to constantly complain about threads that he alone feels are posted in the wrong sections.

563. Replicandy
The magnificent cards that you have multiple copies of.

564. Centerrifical Force
The way your eyes immediately tell you if a card is rightfully centered enough for you personally, independent of what other collectors or TPGs may think.

565. Teambiguous
Looking at a card where the player can be found as a member of one of two different clubs, but you can’t recall if the one you’re viewing is the prized variation or the ‘normal’ one.

566. Crock and Pull Story
Someone joyously posting a card in the new pick-ups thread with a story about how excited he is to finally have one and it took forever to finally pull the trigger, etc...then a few scant days go by and you see he has the card for sale in the B/S/T section.

567. Strike Hike
How a dealer insists on getting the much better end of whatever trade deal may be struck at a card show, and cites a litany of reasons for it, such as the cost of his table, he’s there to make a profit, etc.

See also: Trytanic - when your perceived ‘low ball’ offer on a tremendously overpriced card at a show is met with nothing but an icy stare of death from the dealer.

568. Upsidentical Twin
An otherwise high-grade card that has a small, but fatal, flaw (such as a pinhole or writing) that you grab, because the trade-off of paying just a fraction of the price of what one without such a defect costs is too good to pass up.

See also: Ninesense - smartly grabbing a high grade card with a qualifier, because the visual difference between it and a straight grade is minute enough that spending a crapload more on one without the qualifier would be idiotic.

569. Sugarcoaxing
The emerging practice of craftily listing a card on eBay at a low Buy-It-Now price to draw buyers in, only for them to discover that the ridiculously exorbitant shipping cost actually makes the final price higher than the ‘expensive’ listings of the same card.

See also: Ployboy - a seller who works this kind of scheme.

570. Brandy New Collector
Anyone who has returned to the hobby after a long time away and is so drunk with enthusiasm that he makes all sorts of rookie mistakes right out of the gate.

See also: Empty Feathering-the-Nester - someone who has cleared out his entire collection...only to suddenly find himself buying a coveted card and jumping right back into the collecting game again.

571. PTVSD (Post-Trade-Value Stress Disorder)
How a trade you made many years ago, which in the end proved to be a horrendously bad move, still haunts you to this very day.

572. Windy-Wendy
A San Francisco Giants enthusiast with a special affection for all things Candlestick Park.

See also: Fenwicked - for good or bad, any of the momentous baseball events that took place on Boston’s home turf.

See also: Soapbronxing - anyone expressing his undying adoration for the New York Yankees team or players.

573. Stamp Scamp
Someone immediately looking at the cost of the postage on a mailer he received, then doing the quick math in his head to see if the shipping cost (plus materials, etc.) charged by the seller was close enough to be considered fair.

See also: Mailarkey - when the shipping charge proves to be nothing short of a rip-off.

See also: Bendvelope - a mailer contaning a card inside of a flexible Card Saver holder with nothing else used as a stiffener to better protect the cargo.

574. Musialeum
A collection of ‘Stan the Man’ cards and memorabilia.

575. Barefaced Buy
The purchase of a 1967 Topps ‘Who Am I?’ card where the creative ‘disguise coating’ had been scratched away long ago.

576. April Scour (also Spring Bling)
How a player’s card became hugely desirable to kids as they ripped open new packs searching for it the spring following his incredible exploits in last year’s regular season, playoffs or World Series.

See also: Zoilologist (eponym) - someone eagerly trying to get his hands on one of these new, highly sought-after cards.

See also: Donlarceny (eponym) - the act of taking advantage of someone else’s newfound fervency and scoring great cards off of him by trading one of your ‘new hero’ doubles.

577. Casual Loathing
Not being a fan of Babe Ruth cards and memorabilia where he is dressed in street clothes and not in his legendary baseball uniform.

See also: Mis-Taking Identity (or Ruth-Less Seller) - someone pretending to be slyly ‘unaware’ that the card he’s selling with a label stating it is Babe Ruth pictured on it, clearly shows someone other than ‘The Babe.’

578. Slabdication
When the anger over ridiculously long delays, coupled with the grading company’s poor attitude towards its own customers, grows so intense that you swear you will never spend another dime sending cards their way.

See also: The Vainglory of their Times - the smugness of PSA not giving a rat’s ass about the pathetic length of time it takes for them to grade and return the cards of loyal customers.

579. Omentum
When an auction has such an unusual amount of early activity/bidding that it serves as a bad sign that the price of the lot is going to be driven much higher than you could’ve imagined.

580. Fuzzcuts
The roughly sliced edges of O-Pee-Chee cards.

581. Whale Grail
When a pick-up is so epic that neither “White Whale” nor “Holy Grail” comes close enough to describing how magnificent of a grab it is.

See also: Gloatation Device - a card or piece of memorabilia so monumental that not a single person will ever take exception to the owner loudly boasting about it.

End of section 2, so keep mining for gold so you can afford to fill up your gas tank...

Leon · #8 03-25-2022, 10:28 AM

Nice update, Darren,

I especially like this one as I do it daily

See also: Gloatation Device - a card so monumental that not a single person will ever take exception to the owner loudly boasting about it.

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