From my Substack article The Price Lice:
"The Price Lice are the most common form of eBay troll. You know this type of pest if you sell on eBay, because odds are you encounter them regularly. When an item goes up for auction, the price lice are on it like crabs on a sailor on leave in port, trying to stick their beaks in and solicit a price to end the auction immediately. Now 99% of the time they don’t accept the offer when you name a price, but they always ask. They’re also the sort who will unabashedly say that they are looking for top quality cards at a discount. Yes, and I am looking for something that tastes like bacon and is good for me.
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If you really want the price lice to swarm, list a very valuable card for sale. eBay is running a promotion offering 50% off its fees for cards that sell for over $1,000.00. That is a hell of a deal, one that no auctioneer will match, so I decided to take advantage. I posted a very valuable high-profile card for sale. My listing says: “Please don't contact me directly with any offers; the minimum bid or BIN is the least I will take.” Does that deter the price lice? Not in the least. I got a trove of messages anyway within hours of listing the card, so I figured I would give them awards:
The JD Powers Quality Award: "I’m a very qualified buyer!" Uhh, that’s nice but meaningless. I don't need a 'qualified buyer'; everyone on eBay is pre-qualified. Just buy it.
The Jim Rome Cheating Is Trying Award: A photo of a phone number. Reminds me of graffiti on a public restroom stall. Yeah, like I am going to sell a card to some rando off eBay and outside the authenticity guarantee program. Speaking of which, for all the bitching people do about the program, as a seller it is a huge comfort. With all of the stories of seller swindled by thieves who claim to have received an empty box or who switch and return cards, no way am I selling an expensive card on eBay. Not worth the risk. But with the Authenticity Guarantee, I get the card to PSA safely and I am DONE. I don't have to worry about any customer scams. I would never sell a really costly card on eBay otherwise.
The Scum Sucking Bottom Feeder Award: "Consider $15,000?" On a card listed for $45,000? Just go away.
The Don King Bag Of Cash Award: "Hi there! Theoretically what’s your cash price on this guy?!" Theoretically, what I listed it for, numbnuts.
The Psycho Killer Award: "I have cash in hand that I’d rather use than PayPal. Where are you located?" Yeah, I am going to tell a stranger where I am and meet him somewhere with a $45,000 card to exchange for $45,000 in cash. Do I get robbed in the parking lot before or after the sale?"
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09-20-2025, 06:26 PM
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