Tell your best CLEAN joke

[mark evans]

I went into a bar and told the bartender to surprise me. He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

Rodney Dangerfield

[Jim VB]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, your duck has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," replied the vet "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1500!" she cried, "$1500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1500."

[jerrys]

At a World Series game a man sat down in a box seat behind first base. Next to him there was an empty seat. The man on the other side of the empty seat says to him: “It’s incredible that anyone would not show up for a World Series game”. Somberly, the other man says: “Well…the seat actually belongs to me. I was supposed to come here with my wife, but she passed away.”

“Oh I’m sorry to hear that. But couldn’t you find a friend or relative to take the seat”? The man shakes his head and says: “No. They’re all at the funeral”.

[Writehooks]

I was fortunate enough to have a 1-on-1 interview with Muhammad Ali in the early '80s. The first thing out of his mouth was this: "What did Lincoln say after a three-day drunk? Give up? I freed whooooo?"

[Jim VB]

Originally Posted by Writehooks

I was fortunate enough to have a 1-on-1 interview with Muhammad Ali in the early '80s. The first thing out of his mouth was this: "What did Lincoln say after a three-day drunk? Give up? I freed whooooo?"

Wow! Not funny at all. Not one single bit.

[jerrys]

Two mathematicians were having dinner in a restaurant, arguing about the average mathematical knowledge of the American public. One mathematician claimed that this average was woefully inadequate, the other maintained that it was surprisingly high. "I'll tell you what," said the cynic, "ask that waitress a simple math question. If she gets it right, I'll pick up dinner. If not, you do." He then excused himself to visit the men's room, and the other called the waitress over. "When my friend comes back," he told her, "I'm going to ask you a question, and I want you to respond 'one third x cubed.' There's twenty bucks in it for you." She agreed.

The cynic returned from the bathroom and the waitress was called over. "The food was wonderful, thank you," the mathematician started. "Incidentally, do you know what the integral of x squared is?"

The waitress looked pensive. She looked around the room, and finally said, "Um, one third x cubed?" So the cynic paid the check. The waitress wheeled around, walked a few paces away, looked back at the two men, and muttered under her breath, "...plus a constant."

[4815162342]

Hahaha that's awesome!